Funny birthday wishes in your own words — short messages, what to write in a card and a few words to say out loud

Another year on, and you’ve somehow got away with it again — no grey hairs, no sensible shoes, no interest whatsoever in going to bed at a reasonable hour. Long may that continue. Have a brilliant day.

Many happy returns. I’m told the correct thing to do here is list your qualities, but we’d be here all week and you’d only get embarrassed. So: eat what you like, and ignore anyone who says today isn’t a valid excuse.

Happy Birthday. As your oldest friend I feel obliged to point out that you’ve now had a considerable number of these and still can’t be trusted to book a table in advance. Never change. Hope today’s a good one.

Wishing you a day with no admin in it. No forms, no queues, nobody asking whether you’ve got a minute. Just the good version of your own life, for twenty-four hours. You’ve earned it several times over.

You’d rather have a quiet lunch than a party, and honestly, you were right all along and the rest of us got there late. Have exactly the day you want, and let somebody else do the washing up for once.

Congratulations on another lap. I’ve checked the records and you remain the friend most likely to reply three days late with a very long voice note, which is precisely why we keep you. Have a lovely day.

No advice from me today, only good wishes: a slow morning, decent weather, and news that’s either good or none of your business. Many happy returns.

A whole year gone by and you haven’t once let anybody down, which given the state of everything is a considerable achievement. Wishing you a birthday with nothing in the diary and a year that asks less of you.

Happy Birthday. My contribution to the day is a promise not to send you anything that needs doing before five. Everyone else is on their own, but I’ve done my bit. Have a good one.

Many happy returns. The good news is it’s your birthday; the bad news is the meeting is going ahead regardless. Hope you get a decent lunch out of it and an early finish.

Wishing you a very happy birthday and a year with fewer people adding you to things at the last minute. You catch far more of them than anybody here admits to.

Have a great day. I’d offer to cover your inbox, but we both know I’d only make it worse. Cake instead, then, and my genuine good wishes for the year ahead.

Hope you have a good one. It’s honestly nice working with you, which isn’t something you get to say about everybody, and today seems a reasonable day to mention it.

Wishing you a happy birthday and a year with a bit more notice on everything. You’re the only person here who never says no, which is exactly why the rest of us keep asking. Today the answer is allowed to be no.

All the best for your birthday. Take the long lunch, leave the phone on the desk, and let somebody else pick up whatever comes in. It’ll still be there tomorrow, unfortunately.

Happy Birthday from all of us. We’d have written something funnier, but the card went round the whole office and by the time it reached me there was only this corner left.

Most of this card was written by somebody in a design studio, so here’s the part that’s actually from me: you’ve had a heavy year and handled it better than anyone had a right to expect. Wishing you a lighter one, and a birthday spent entirely as you please.

The printed bit inside says something about sunshine and laughter, which isn’t really us. What I’d rather put on record is that you’re easy to be around and hard to worry, and both of those make more difference than you think. Have a very good day.

Cards get kept, so this one may as well be worth keeping. Thank you for the number of times you’ve turned up without being asked. I hope the year ahead gives some of that back, and that today involves sitting down with something decent to drink.

There’s a lot of blank space in here and not much to fill it with beyond the obvious: you make a fuss of everybody else and never of yourself, and this is your one day for the reverse. Do try to cooperate.

Happy Birthday. I’ve kept this short because you’ll only skim it and go straight for the envelope to see whether anything fell out. Nothing did. What there is instead is my genuine hope that this year turns out kinder than the last.

You’ll read this once and it’ll sit on the shelf until the end of the month, so I’ve chosen the words with that in mind. Good health. Fewer obligations. And somebody other than you doing the organising for a change.

Many happy returns. The card was chosen in a hurry; the sentiment wasn’t. I’m glad you’re around, and glad rather more often than I say so. Have the sort of day you’d design for yourself.

Wishing you a very happy birthday and enough energy left over to keep the rest of the street struggling to keep up. There’s no need to alter anything about that arrangement.

Wishing you a very happy birthday. You’ve kept an eye on this street for as long as anybody can remember, and half of us only worked that out when we needed you to. Good health, and a year with more sitting in the garden than working in it.

There’s a fair bit of talk about slowing down, none of which appears to have reached you. Have a lovely day, good health, and no sudden interest in taking things easy.

Happy Birthday. Wishing you good weather for the walks, a difficult crossword and visitors who turn up without needing an occasion. I’ll be seeing to the last of those myself this year.

We’ve known each other far too long for anything formal, so: have a good one. I hope the year’s uneventful in the best sense, that the appointments all come back fine, and that the phone doesn’t stop ringing today.

Many happy returns. Half of what I know about this family came from you, usually over a cup of tea and usually when I was supposed to be leaving. Good health, and plenty more afternoons of exactly that.

Have a wonderful day. I’m told the trick is to keep busy, which would explain why you’ve never once been in when I’ve called round unannounced. Long may that continue.

I’ll be very quick, because nobody came here for a speech. We’re all standing in this room because of one person, and that person has never once made anybody feel like a nuisance. To your health.

Thirty seconds and I’ll sit down. I’ve known the birthday girl long enough to know she’d rather I didn’t do this at all, which is precisely why I am. Have a wonderful evening, and thank you for having us.

Before anybody tops up again — a word. Whatever’s gone on this year, and there’s been plenty, the person we’re here for has kept everyone else afloat. Tonight somebody else can do the rowing. Cheers.

One quick thing. If you want to know what somebody’s like, look at who turns up. Look around. Nobody here has come out of duty. To many more of these, and to your very good health.

I promised not to make a fuss, so this isn’t a fuss, it’s an announcement: the birthday boy is another year older and none the wiser, and we wouldn’t have him any other way. Raise your glasses.

Two sentences. Thank you for the invitation, thank you to whoever’s been in that kitchen since this morning, and thank you above all for being someone you can call in on without ringing first. All the best.

Your instructions were clear, so there’s nothing to unwrap and nothing to pretend to like. What there is instead is a standing offer of a lift, a hand or an afternoon, redeemable without notice. Many happy returns.

No present, as requested, though I’ll point out that you’re the only person I know who treats being given something as an imposition to be managed. Have a very good day, and let people be nice to you for a few hours.

You’ve said no fuss so firmly and so often that I’m half afraid to send this at all. Consider it the smallest possible fuss: good health, a slow day, and a year that goes easier on you than the last one did.

Since you won’t have anything bought, you can have something said. You’re the one who notices when somebody’s gone quiet, and that’s a rarer talent than most of the things people wrap up. Wishing you a lovely birthday.

Nothing purchased, nothing wrapped, no card with a dog on it. Just the observation that the place is better for having you in it and the hope that this year involves rather less running about. Have a good one.

Right — no presents. In that case I’m keeping a Saturday free and you can decide nearer the time what we do with it, including nothing at all. Happy Birthday, and here’s to a year with fewer obligations in it.

I’ve honoured the ban. In its place, an honest report: you haven’t let anybody down in all the time I’ve known you, and you’ve rarely been thanked for it. Consider yourself thanked. Good health and a quiet year.